Happy Birthday Chase!

Here are some pics of Lil M, the dogs and Mommy from this morning. :) I still can't quite believe (fathom, even) that we've been together a full year now!

We'll try to take some pics while having fun with Chase for his Birthday!!!!!
Lil M playing on the couch...with her pink puppy.
Mama Mia pic!
Look at that HUGE smile!!! And Skippy....
Love this pic of Maggi Moo
Random pic with blocks and the puppy... :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHASE-Y MAN!! Auntie M loves you!

Peace.

Happy Family Day Anniversary Baby!!

LiL M and I have been together for a FULL YEAR NOW!!!!! Wooooooot!!!! So, totally happy about that. She is amazing. And I love her more and more each day.

My baby Mia... we've come so far in just one year. Quite exciting. I love you more than words can say.


Mama Loves you. xoxoxo

Peace.

Quilting

I did some normal housework stuff today, including hanging the clothes on the line outside. I tried to cut the grass, but the lawnmower quit for some reason. I'm going to go get some oil tomorrow. It has gas... so, let's see.

I also worked in my sewing room for part of the afternoon. I cleaned up some stuff on my table and then I worked on another quilt for Lil M. It wasn't too fancy, but it is a second one done. :)

Otherwise, my headache is still here, but not as bad. Guess I'll work on a couple more projects this week. Chase will want to go back to Kings Island next weekend, probably. I can't believe it is almost the middle of June.

Peace.

It's (not) all about me...

Gee, what a concept. It's NOT all about ME. haha. I knew that... but I felt like it's what I should write about today. (i started this post this morning, but am finishing it this evening...)

What I wanted to write about is about adoption, again, and some of the posts I've been reading lately. Adoptees saying their aparents don't 'get it'... and that it isn't about "us" it is about the adoptees. Ok, I'll grant you that in some ways it is solely about the adoptees. In other ways, it is Everyone in the adoption triad. The sad part is that I will likely Never know Lil M's first mom. For us to find her, in China, compared to Korean adoptions of the last generation... is just completely and totally different. I mean, we have NO information, and I do mean, none. Kind of scary in some ways, actually. And it doesn't make me any less curious... and wonder if someday Lil M will want to try to find out what happened.

I suppose I'm jumping the gun. But it is something I do occasionally think about. Ok, more than occassionally.

So, anyway, I've had a migraine today. Not real happy about that... 'cause it meant we missed dinner with Ellen. And I think Scott might be mad at me. I haven't seen him in a week. :(

Peace.

This is how I feel... except the Bio part...

Since I don't have bio children... I can't comment on the difference between bio/adopted situations... but I thought this was a Great post... (i haven't asked permission to share it, but I hope it is ok!!) And I agree from an A-parent perspective.

GoodHappeningsPost

This post is on the same lines of what I've been thinking this week.

It's like... you want to be a good parent... just a good parent. Not a-parent... not always have to use the word 'adopted'... like it is a present situation... it's HOW she entered my family, but not a disease or something that continues to happen... which might offend some... "I KNOW" she was adopted. I know it is the same but different from other ways people build their families. But that does not make it any less real for me or for Lil M. Maybe it will later. She will have her own thoughts and ideas about this, and I hope to show her that I am as open-minded and understanding as she struggles through whatever she's going to struggle through.

I do not belittle her past. I do not minimize the hurt she probably feels down inside her little heart. I do get frustrated sometimes...and that's with my own inadequacies...

(sort of a tangent coming) I have figured out that one of my problems this year has been the "Let Down"... Marathon Blues... it is like when you run a marathon (which I've done many times), and you've trained so hard and long for that ONE race... you feel a let down when it is done. WHAT IS NEXT? You ask yourself??? I think I'm going through that here. She's HOME. What now?! ;-) (ok, now I do realize that sounds idiotic. of course we're home... we've home almost a full YEAR!!!! LOL i'm a little slow on the uptake!!)

Do I add to our family? Am I ready for that? Do I find something else to do... like those hobbies I mentioned... Now that I know this is where part of my feelings have stemmed from, I think I can find a remedy...

I'm a GOAL-ORIENTED person! I have no current goal... I have life. I have my fun daughter and animals... but that's normal day stuff... :) I need a goal. To finish something ... like a quilt or a race. So, I'm going to try to get on that horse again.

Peace.

First Mother, Second Best

So, someone I read yesterday said that Adoptive parents always choose adoption as the 'second best' thing to procreating. Hm. Well, they don't know me. They picked on people who believed that Adoption was something God wanted them to do. Hm, again, they don't know me. They said that Adoptive parents don't give first mothers enough dues... and that the like...

Let me talk about that one. First Mothers. I know that my daughter was born of a different mother. And if I could find information for her, I would. Did I ever really want an open adoption? Well, not so much. Would I have done it for her, yes. More because I know it would have been hard emotionally, but that wouldn't have stopped me...I don't think. Do I worry there'd be confusion for Lil M? (Yes. Is it a moot point here, yes) But I also believe that if that is the way we are to go, that's the way we will find. I would hope that she wouldn't feel the need to "choose" if it ever did happen. She has two mothers. One who had to part ways with her for whatever reason... we know that, but not why. And me, the other mother who gets to spend as many days and nights as I possibly can getting to know someone so amazing and happy.

Now, as for being second best or a second choice or a plan B. She was NEVER that. Lil M was my FIRST choice. I could have procreated. I wanted to adopt.

Due to my own parenting flaws, I haven't fully decided about a 2nd child, as of yet... no fault of anyone. As Ellen says, if they were ALL like Lil M, everyone would have one!! She is, indeed, a blessing. *Now before you all tout my wonderful parenting skills... I have a temper some days. I get frustrated over stupid crap. I get over it. And I love her more than anything... but I'm SO not perfect. ;-)

Just some more thoughts...

Peace.

Thoughts

Ok, so I haven't written about anything "important" lately... been sort of fluffy around here, huh? LOL. But I have this blog for a couple of reasons... one, to keep family and friends up to date about Lil M and me... our little family... and two, to write about stuff that I think is important.

Well. Y'all know sometimes I go out and check out others blogs (all the time, actually)... and some of those are adoptees' blogs. I think it is important to keep an eye on what adoptees, especially International Adoptees (IA) think and feel. I will never purport to understand the losses they feel. It hurts me, actually, not because I am unsympathetic, rather, because I do sympathize. I worry for Lil M. I wonder about the losses she will feel. What she will want to know about her first mother, that is beyond us... maybe one day she will get to know, but the likeliness is that she won't. I believe that someday that could really affect her. I hope I am able to help her move through the pain and into a peaceful place with it all. Who knows if I can even do that... it might not even be mine to do... or she may not want me to. Or be afraid to ask.

I do know that while I wasn't her 'first mom' or her birthmother... I am gladly her Mommy. Her one and only Mommy for as much of her life as she will let me be - Always.

I do hurt for her. I've gone through so much in my own life... so many changes and major transitions, that I imagine for a baby it had to be internally quite overwhelming. That is my feeling. And people may not think that babies can feel or have those emotions, but I believe they do. They just can't verbalize them yet. I wonder if that deep-down hurt ever goes away? Think about it... we go through huge traumas in our lives... do we ever really, really give them up in our hearts? I don't know that we do. When I look at myself, I sometimes feel like one just adds on top of another... and that's how people get overwhelmed and give up... or close their heart... or their door...

Last night she had a booboo and she raised her arms and cried... "Mommy!!!"... what a sweet word. It was the first time she did both those things at the same time. Oh, she's raised her arms to me. She's let me comfort her. She's called me Mommy or Mama. But to do that at the same time gave me an amazing feeling. It was good.

My life has changed so much in the past year. I AM NOT COMPLAINING. It has been good. (ok, and some not so good...) Mindy said it quite aptly today... we are at the point in our lives where we KNOW things will change. NOTHING will last forever (ok, except God) here in this world. It may last a day. It may last a week or 20 years. But not forever. That is a hard thing to really grasp for me, sometimes. To just put it out there and accept it. I mean, that sounds stupid. I KNOW things change. I'm not stupid. But, to accept that what I have today, I might not have tomorrow... is a little scary. It is why people with major health issues learn to let go and live one day, one moment at a time. It is what I believe God would have for me, too. But it has been a tough one for me to grasp recently, for some reason. I want stability. I want Mia to have stability. I want her to Always want me. I want to not be scared or worried. Everything has worked out in my life... God is Good. Life is good. I know these things... but sometimes, knowing them temporally is different than allowing your heart to let go of the other grap...

I think I'm going to try to write more. I can't seem to get into my hobbies these days... and I love my hobbies. I think I need to deal with these stupid thoughts head-on (haha) and push past them somehow.

At the same time. All my friends and loved ones out there. I do not need to be committed to the looney bin just yet! Please don't worry!!!! ;-)

On a lighter note... Lil M is amazing. I love her. And I believe our bonding/attachment is coming along. I believe it will be a work in progress... even though others think we're already there. She is mine, and I am hers. And I'm SO glad we're family.

Peace.

Chalk and Kings Island

The kids had fun playing with chalk on the back porch yesterday... and then going to King's Island!!! :D We got Chase a KI Gold Pass for the summer for his birthday (which is June 22, but we didn't want to wait that long to give it to him!!)

It was a busy, but fun day.

Lil M and Skippy!! :)
Chase playing with Lil M and the chalk
Lil M's first time playing with the BIG chalk outside at home!!! Maggi is hanging out behind her in the grass.
Aiyee Mimi (Mommy) and ChaseAuntie M, Chase and Lil M


Mama Mia!!
Mama and Mia on the Carousel for the first time together!!!


Ya think the kids were pooped??!! :) Chase had his face painted with a way-cool green snake... which is starting to wear off here... They were SO sleepy!!!

Peace.