Can't sleep

I'm sitting here wondering if I will be awake at the stroke of midnight, to see my little ladybug turn to 18 months. I can't sleep. I'm exhausted. But I'm anxious... mind doesn't want to stop thinking, especially about what this week holds.

I'm going to be a Mom. I'm going to have my very own daughter. WOW. I think that tonight it is starting to sink in... this wait has been SO long, that it seems surreal. I guess part of me wonders if it will even happen. I've jumped through all the hoops. I've waited the wait. I've even been patient.

If something goes wrong now, I just don't know what I'll do. And I can't even begin to think about all the mistakes I'm bound to make. oh heavens.

Please Lord, let it be..... good. All good.

I'm going to try to sleep again. How on earth am I going to get through the next few days?! Let alone the next few months/years?! (can you tell i'm feeling a snad overwhelmed tonight? but in a good way!!)

food for thought... Mia is short for fem. Michal, meaning Who Resembles God. It is also short for Maria - meanings of "Star of the Sea", "Wished for a child" and "Sea of Bitterness". These are important as my brother's name is Michael and my grandmother's name is Marie. I've also found a separate definition of Mia. Meaning: Mine. Origin: Latin.

Middle name - ElainaMei. the first part is Elaine, which is my sister's middle name, and it means the same as my middle name, Ellen. I have a best friend Ellen. The name means "Light". May is a family name, and Mei is a Chinese version meaning "beautiful".

So, the idea behind her name was two-fold... one, try to give her my initials. silly, perhaps, but what i wanted. and two... to give her my family to be her family, in a familiar way. I also like the sentiment that she's "Mine".

I hope it fits and she doesn't hate it someday.

Peace.

Confirmation!

OMG, I've seen confirmation that they have matched through November 1. (I normally wouldn't post what is said, but this directly applies to me and my daughter, and I want a record of it)

4/30/2007 MATCHES MAILED!

We are excited to announce that the CCAA has mailed the next group of matches to our agency! We hope to receive this match group within the next 2-3 days. The CCAA has updated their internal website to state that they have matched dossiers logged in through November 1, 2005. We are very excited for our families who are expecting matches! As always, we will update this site when more information becomes available.

I wonder when we will know for sure. I'm thinking by Wed/Thurs. Let's see!!

Peace.

Big Rumor

So... the consensus is... November 1. Apparently, this rumor is all over the place and is quite positive (meaning, high probability).

**Added, I talked to my agency and they confirmed that referrals have been mailed! OMG. They are conservative and NEVER give out information unless they are sure, so this is fantastic news. It doesn't mean *I'm* in... but referrals this week is looking great!!

Pins and needles again... well, not really yet, but I'm sure I will be this week! I am just wondering if this is true and when will they be sent?!

Sis' hearing gave her spousal support and got rid of that stupid DV order. Thank God. Now, let's see if Jake will pay, like he's supposed to! She didn't get temporary custody, but this is definitely a step in the right direction.

It is all good.

Peace.

Almost 18 months and Monday

So, in a couple days I will hit the 18 month mark of waiting (would be the 31st, but since there are only 30 days this month... it'll be Tuesday, I guess). Wow. Just crazy. I'm still OK, I'm figuring it will happen (sooner or later)!!

I wonder what is going to happen tomorrow. Will the CCAA send referrals? Just TA's? Will they send anything before their vacation? (I think they will, but am not sure if it will be referrals.) I read that they are working this weekend. I also wonder how many days they'll do this time.

Between this and work, I'm a stress-ball (as my friend Joe says...)

Oh, and Sis goes to court tomorrow... let's *HOPE AND PRAY* she gets good news... custody? God, I hope so. Really. Something has got to go her way.

Pray, Pray, Pray.

Really. Let's see what this week is gonna bring!

Peace.

Lay Down

Ok, so proud mommy alert.... I got Maggi to "Lay Down" with a treat today. Very cool.

She knows how to Stay, Drop a toy... etc. But we've never worked on Laying Down. She 'sits' on command sometimes, but not always. Overall, she is a VERY smart dog, and I'm very happy she's mine. So, looks like the new command to master is Lay Down. :)

Nothing else to report, except I'm TIRED. Work is very long this week, but I'll manage.

Oh, and rumors.... same ol' same ol'.

Peace.

Hump Day

It is Wednesday and I've got a lot on my mind. Work is busy for the next 2.5 weeks, for sure, and I'm trying to get through that. It isn't so bad, it is just the normal test cycle stuff, except some things are exacerbated by lack of access and knowledge, but we are getting through it as well as we can.

No good rumors to report. I'm still wondering if they will get through Oct 30 or 31... we'll see. I'm trying my best not to be too consumed with it this week, since we might not hear anything until after May 7. It will happen.

Maggi and I went for a run/walk on Monday, again. She is doing pretty well. Poor thing had an accident in her bed yesterday 'cause I worked so long. I felt bad, but got her (and her bed) cleaned up. It had been 2 weeks since her last accident, so that is good... but I wish it didn't have to happen at all (for both our sakes, haha).

Peace.

Will it be this week?

I am wondering how this week will go. Some have speculated that we might hear by April 30, next Monday... I'm not quite so sure. It would be nice, even if it is a smaller month. I can't hardly begin to even think that it will happen by Monday, though. I wouldn't be surprised if they got referrals sent before their vacation, but I don't want to get my hopes up.

I'm a bit antsy tonight. Might take Maggi out for a walk in a bit.

This weekend was pretty fun, for the most part. Sis and I got to hang out and do a little garage saleing. She got to actually see my nephew for a few hours yesterday (4 hrs), but only because Jake wants him next weekend for a bit. It was still nice to see him. He didn't want to leave. Maggi and he ran the backyard for awhile and we had a spicy chicken picnic (Indian food on the back patio). Sis even made some cookies. It was nice.

I am REALLY hoping next Monday is a good day for her. The first custody hearing is then.

Of course, I'm really hoping next Monday is good for both of us. :)

Peace.

Needles suck

Ok, technically they don't, they poke. But they hurt nonetheless. I had my allergy retest today. Lots and lots of needle pokes. No fun at all. Interestingly, I'm not allergic to all the stuff I used to be, however, I'm still allergic to 10 things on their list. Two of which are dust mites, then there are a couple of molds, a couple trees (birch and some type of cedar), cats, horses, cockroaches (yes, ewww, they tested me for that), oh, and bluegrass (which, of course, is the kind of grass i have).

The 3rd round of needles (about 30 shots in each arm, so 60 shots total) really sucked. And then I itched... arms, face, nose, head. Ugh. I also felt a little out of breath. So, I used my inhaler. They gave me a Zyrtec and a shot to help my allergies. They made me sit for awhile to make sure I was ok.

The *good news* is that I *only* have to have one shot a week instead of two now! woohoo.

Maggi ran for the 2nd time last night. Almost 2 miles again. She did great. Definitely likes to run more than walk. Pulls less. Read somewhere today she can get up to 5 miles 3x a week. Very good news.

Still waiting. Work is stressful this week.

Peace.

Maggi Zora

So, I'm sitting here on a conference call, yes, at 7am... ugh... and my friend told me last night that I hadn't blogged in a few days... what was going on? Well, nothing much is going on... with rumors, anyway.

Here I sit. Waiting. (yawn)

Alright, you want to know why I named this Maggi Zora? Well, if you scroll down, you will see my lovely Maggi. If you just glance at her (or even look at her hard), you might think she has a mask on. I noticed just how much her little black face looks like a mask this weekend and it reminded me of the Mask of Zorro. But she can't be Zorro, that's a boy! So, She's Zora. Looks funny, but that's what I've been calling her. I'm a goof. Yes, it is official.

Referrals are rumored to be sent prior to April 30 or after May 7. That's quite a window. Some say they think that the CCAA will get through all of the rest of October this time, and others say maybe they'll get through one day. (one or three days, who's counting? well, I am! i'm on that third day) Let's see.

Right now, I'm ok with this. Better, anyway. I'm feeling much better this week than I was last week. I hope other 10/31'ers are hanging in there, too. This feels like the last mile or two of a marathon for me. I've had my cry. Gotten through the hard miles. Now, I'm almost there... and I have to keep reminding myself - I WILL FINISH. This will happen.

Last week you got a pregnancy reference. This week marathons. What will she think of next?!

Peace.

Crabby still

As much as I've tried to be positive this week, I'm still crabby. I'm not sure why. I know the referral will come when it will, so I just need to relax and wait. Sis' situation is getting a snad better. But for some reason, I still feel like crap and am not in the greatest mood.

I'm trying. But no succeeding today. Ugh.

It'll all be fine, I know.

Oh, the 3 positives from yesterday:
1. Maggi sat right down when I brought her in yesterday morning. For the 2nd time ever, withought my prompting.
2. She was a total snug-bug yesterday morning before work. That cheered me up a little.
3. My head and back didn't hurt as much as over the weekend, or now, for that matter.

The weather was totally sucky last night (downpour and hail). Maggi had an accident in her bed while I was at work yesterday, and had to have a bath. But, now she smells good. :) She does pretty well being brushed, but not so much being blown dry with the hair dryer, lol. Manna, on the other hand, doesn't even like to be bathed or brushed! Go figure! haha.

Peace.

Maggi's first run/walk

Ok, so it was about 1 mile... but it was great! Maggi and I went for our first 'official' walk (run) around the neighborhood. So, she's not fond of cars. And, she needs to learn to heal. But she did it! She ran even better than she walked. (Just like her Mommy, I might add, hehe. Ok, not exactly, but I do like to run and it gets it done faster than walking!) What a girl! She was VERY thirsty when we got back!

I'm half tempted to actually get dressed to run, and take her out again. haha. (i'm sure i was a sight in my work clothes and shoes... really, we just went for a *walk*, grin.) Anything to help make me feel better (emotionally, that is, and this certainly helped)....

WOOOOHOOOO!!!!!!

--in my best sing-songy voice ever-- I've got myself a RuNnInG DOGGIE!!! (who right now is pulling every single toy out of her new open cushion bed!)

::BIG GRIN FROM A VERY PROUD MOMMY::

Peace.

There is always something good

Well, after my "M" illness from hell this weekend, there were some good things that happened.

1. Sis' deposition: she didn't have to be deposed, because after BIL was deposed, the lawyers realized that they should DROP THE ORDER!! WOOOHOOO. That is awesome. One more step in the right direction. It doesn't fix everything, but definitely a win for our side.

2. Did I mention that Sis brought the baby (read: me) an Easter toy? It is a plush kitty that opens up into a pillow type thing. It is WAY cool, and just what *I* (the soon-to-be (hopefully) mommy) needed.

3. My friend at work bought a new car and has a friend who is going to come live with her in October. It is something she wants and I'm excited for her.

4. Maggi's vet visit went wonderfully yesterday. Dr. Stacey said that she looks perfect, and was very pleased that I (we - sis helped) keep her collar on for the full 2 weeks! She is 10lb 13oz now. Everyone keeps saying she's so tiny. It is funny.

OH, and Maggi was 5 months old on Easter (and Joe's bday)!!! :D That is so fun (to me, anyway). Happy birthday, my little Maggi-Moo. I got her a new bed and a couple of toys. She's not spoiled... (that's my story, and I'm sticking to it)

Really, Maggi is just a doll. We've got to work on her barking, but other than that... She is a LOVE... loves to play and has a fantastic disposition. I just think she's the greatest! (speaking of which, my friend reminded me of the trials i had getting her... and that the excitement and sadness of lack-of-referral this weekend was sort of like that... and she is right. I'm just waiting for *my* baby daughter. whoever she may be. God bless her and keep her.)

Peace.

ps. Here are a couple of Easter pics - that poor Easter Bunny!! (oh, and i think it is time for some high-lights, yeesh).

10/26 is true

So, 10/26/05 rumor is no longer a rumor. It is a fact.

There are 3 more available log in dates for October. 10/27, 10/28 and 10/31. They are apparently HUGE. So, it might be one more month, two more months.... before I get my referral. I'm sad. But I'm ok. I've gone through so many emotions this weekend (and a non-stop-freaking-migraine attack, OMG), that I am just worn out.

Worn out.

I got some more stuff together for sis this weekend. I also made the baby's room cuter. I laid out some of her cutesy little dresses and outfits, and some of the cute toys that used to be my nephew's baby toys. My sis actually came down to trade cars back ('cause, did i mention i had a MIGRAINE FROM HELL???) and she loved it. Now, I guess I've got time to figure out how to get it really set up (she's not going to be spoiled at all, ha).

Sis was also unbelievably understanding. She said that this weekend for me is like the last few weeks of pregnancy. She would go to the doctor and they'd say... not this week, we'll induce you next week. Then the same thing happened for 3-4 more weeks. Finally, after she was a week over-due, they said they were going to induce her! I think I'm a week over-due! ROFL.

I figured everyone would just say I'm being my over-emotional self... but they didn't. I have wonderful family and friends. Thank God.

Today, my agency rep "S" said... "IT WILL HAPPEN"..... so, I will keep my eye on the prize and keep moving forward.

IT WILL HAPPEN
IT WILL HAPPEN
IT WILL HAPPEN

Say it with me.... THIS ADOPTION WILL HAPPEN!!!!

She also said that I'm allowed to vent... and tell all those folks who Worry, Fret, Get Angry, Moan, Groan, Bitch, Cry for their entire wait (in my case 17.5 mo so far)... that I don't know how you do it!!! I'd be in an insane asylum if I did that this entire time! There. I said it! This is truly the first month I've been *upset* that I didn't get my referral. I've been inordinately patient up to this point. But now, I WANT MY DAUGHTER. So, no offense to anyone out there. But, I honestly don't know how you do it if you worry this much for the entire wait. Really. We've got to relax. Remember..... IT WILL HAPPEN.

I hope you all had a better weekend than I did. I ditched everyone. My dad, my brother Joe, and my friend Joe. The "M" word (migraines) SUCK. I apologize to everyone for that.

Peace.

It's my party

So, I've had a non-stop headache for over two weeks. This includes more than one migraine. All this stress has really gotten to me. And I'm trying to not complain too much. (Maybe I'm way past that, I don't know.)

Today, for instance, I drove my sis' car to my house to get some more stuff for her. I even worked on the baby's room a little. And I felt like crap. So, I laid down for a bit. Actually, way longer than I should have. But I just feel like sleeping this weekend away. I can't do that, of course. I've got to drive back to sis' and see Dad and see my friend Joe. All of which I want to do, don't get me wrong. But I could *seriously* use some ME time. I'm frazzled.

Dad's going to yell at me, 'cause I haven't called him back. And it is Easter. I suck.

Maggi has picked up a bad habit of barking when I take her to Sis' friend B's house. UGH. She even barked some here tonight. CRAP. I just don't like that. Otherwise, I missed her. She stayed with sis for a few days this week, while I tried to get stuff together for sis and get over these damn headaches. Seriously. I can't take them anymore. But this is definitely what happens when I'm stressed.

I've run the gambit of feelings today. Anxiety, depression, sadness, fretting, worrying, fear, ..... what if, *please, God, don't let this happen*, something happens and this adoption doesn't go through??!!! I've been so patient, so far. And I know I'm just stressed, and I'm *hoping* this isn't even in the realm of possibility... BUT. OMG. I don't have words to express how upset I would be. Please, oh please, tell me this is just a little extra wait, and that is WILL happen. I realize that I worry, in general, about whether or not I'll be a good mom. Can I afford this? Will she love me? All those things... but those are somewhat normal, right?

Oh, and my 'lucky' bamboo died. :( Please tell me this isn't a bad omen. Really. I can't take much more.

I just needed to vent here. This has got to be all OK, because God has been SO utterly wonderful to me and I just believe it is where I'm supposed to be. But, today has been rough. Ok, the past week has been rough. Please bear with me. I just feel like crying. Or crawling under the covers until someone assures me that I'm really going to be OK (which is relative, I assure you), and that my daughter really does exist.

Peace.

I'm anxious

I have seen some posts about referrals, that came yesterday. Not everyone has gotten "the call" yet, though, because of Good Friday and Easter weekend. OMG, I'm so anxious right now. I know I shouldn't be. The Oct 26 rumor is still hot and heavy, and very well could be true. Who knows?

I sure don't.

Really, this end part to the wait is the hardest, yet. And here I've told my boss and a few more people at work, and am still not sure when I'll get my referral.

The other rumor I've heard is that they got through October 30. I'd actually be happier with that, then I'd feel a better sense of calm because, in theory, I'd be next *for sure*.

My friend's birthday is tomorrow. Easter is here. I'm just waiting.

Peace.

Sigh....

Well... rumors floating...

1. Might only get 2 days worth of referrals (bringing us up to a whopping 10/26) - YIKES,
2. The referrals *might* be on their way,
3. We might get referrals Monday or Tuesday.

*Heavy Sigh*

I'm doing OK, just wishing we knew something before the long weekend. 'Cause last weekend was just me checking the computer every 5 seconds to see if there was any information ANYWHERE. It will happen eventually. So, I need to just relax and remember that. And get excited when I know something for sure!!

... so, I'm going to try to enjoy Easter, my friend Joe's 35th (Woohoo) birthday, and my sister's new place!!

Oh, and sleep. ZZZzzzzzz

God bless you all. I hope you have a blessed Easter. It is definitely a joyous time. **Ok, now that didn't sound convincing, did it? It really IS a joyous time!! :) Say it with me folks - Happy Easter!

Peace.

No news

No new rumors. :( So, today... no news ='s no good news. bah.

waaaaaaaaah

Does this mean referrals won't come until the end of the month? Some folks say next week, but that just seems so odd to me. When was the last time referrals came mid month?

Peace. (although, i'm not feeling quite so peaceful today)

Latest rumor and stuff

Well, the latest news is that TA's arrived today, not referrals. WAAAAH. The stork played a trick on us, it seems.

Rumor is, we won't have Referrals until later this week... maybe. Who knows! :(

Bah Humbug. (ok, that's Christmas, but it is fitting here) Crimeny, Crud, Crappola. I'm grumpy now.

And I know people are like... why (am I grumpy all of the sudden)? WELL, LET ME TELL YOU.... It has been 17 months just waiting after I was logged in. I've been working on this since JANUARY 2005. Boys and girls, that makes it 2 years and 3 months! OMG.

I've been very patient. More patient than I EVER thought I would be. But....

NOW WHERE IS MY FREAKING REFERRAL????????

Ok, at least let me know that I'll be next. Ya know? Really. This stinks. I had comfort food for lunch (a tuna melt) and now I'm having Chocolate. Deep breath. This too shall pass. I *WILL* get a referral. I just don't know when. Really. God is good to me. I'm just wishing we'd hear something. ANYTHING.

Oh, and CONGRATS to those who got their TA's. That's just the next cog on the wheel. :)

Peace.

This weekend

So, Friday... we went to pick up my nephew (ok, Sis did, but I was on my way, too)... and BIL called ME and told me that Sis doesn't have Nephew for her normal weekend because of Spring Break. Of course he lied... she was supposed to have him Friday night until Sat., 9am. UGH. Very frustrating. And then the kicker is that he is on his *power trip* and even though he said Sis could probably have C this weekend at some point, he didn't let her. Liar. :( Makes me mad. I could talk a lot more about this, but I'll just keep it to myself for now.

Saturday was a VERY LONG day for me, for some reason. I checked the boards and blogs a thousand times. Then, I had a meltdown. Not sure why, except that this week should hopefully be referral time. With everything going on, I guess I just needed a good cry. Sis' friend kept picking on me (in fun), but it wasn't feeling so funny (he was picking on my singing...and anyone who knows me know that offends me a bit). Then his kids were not so nice that day. It was all I could do to stay there. But Sis convinced me to stay and the kids apologized and brought my stuff back in. His daughter, K, was very sweet and spent most of the night trying to cheer me up.

Yesterday, Sis got the keys to her new house (that she is renting). It is pretty cool! Great master bedroom and huge kitchen (which she loves). The girls and I drove to my house and FILLED my car with stuff for Sis' new place. It was fun. We blasted the radio the whole way there. :) They loved Manna and said I should take her to Sis'. lol. K and I went to Wally World and got Sis some stuff for the house (kitchen stuff, bathroom stuff.... ya know). Then I went to Kroger and got some fridge basics. Sis got a free bed, TV and dresser from B's neighbor yesterday, too! That was awesome.

OMG OMG OMG, I almost forgot! K saw a LADYBUG on Sis' new windowsill yesterday!!! That is good luck for sure, right?!!! :) That is the first one I've seen in AGES. No joke.

So, this all kept my mind off the impending referrals (yesterday, anyhow) that *might* still come today... although, it isn't looking good at all right now.

Oh, and OSU is in the college basketball finals tonight!! WOOHOO. Go Buckeyes!! :)

Peace.