Purpose

Do you ever wonder what your purpose is in life? I mean... really think about it? Well, I have been lately. What is my purpose?

In order to know where you are going, you need to remember where you've been.

I've been struggling a little bit lately with how I always seem to feel differently about almost everything that the people around me do (or that's how it seem to me). Especially the definition of family.

But this is what I've figure out, in my heart. My purpose in life is to live my life to the fullest with the abilities God has given me. And God has opened my heart to a different path than most. Why? I have no idea. Do I think it is partly due to decisions I made (or didn't make) earlier on in my life? Is it because of me and not God? Well, some might argue that it is... but I disagree.

In my early 20's I struggled in relationships. I was afraid. Afraid to love. Afraid to get hurt. I made a TON of mistakes. I had no idea what I wanted my life to be or how I wanted it to look. I was a very, very young Christian and my purpose was not clear to me. All I knew at that time is that I needed to complete my education. That I needed to finish that goal. That took a long time and a lot of work, but I did it and it was good.

But when it came to getting married or having kids at that time, it wasn't working for some reason. Maybe it was self-fulfilling, but since I didn't feel worthy of a real relationship or because I was afraid one would actually work, I somehow lost, sabotaged or just blatantly broke relationships up. I was sinking... flailing around in the sea... lost.

I kept my head down, and moved on... kept working, kept going to school. Eventually, I got a house and felt secure in my career. Even still, I didn't feel like I would ever get married. But I wanted a child or children. I wasn't sinking or flailing anymore... instead, I was treading water. I could even hold my head up above the water now.

Then I decided to adopt.

I truly believe that I was lead to adopt. Why? I don't know, really. Part of me really accepts now that it was because of my past and how guilty I felt for all the awful stuff I did. The person I was. That sort of sounds ridiculous. Penance in adoption? It wasn't overtly conscious, but I do believe that I needed to try to start to "make right" (if only in MY OWN HEART) the wrongs I had done to so many people... including myself... way back when. To give to someone else blindly, faithfully.

Why is this important now? Well, I've been considering number 2, and wondering how I might make that happen. Adoption through a different country again? Adoption and/or Foster care here? Have a baby by birth? I decided I want to adopt again. It's what I feel lead to do, for now. So, I took a step and started going through an adoption agency to get certified. And through this process it has brought up some of the same emotions I've had all along, possibly with added ones because of the "little family" I already have.

I'm not going to lie and say that I'm not afraid. I am. Lil M and I have a wonderful relationship and I do not want to do anything to jeopardize that. She is more amazing than I could have ever imagined. How could I ever get lucky enough to have a second amazing child? I think that's a question a lot of parents ask themselves, right?

Another big question for me that keeps coming up for me right now is, "is it fair for me to adopt"? For those of you who know me, I read all kinds of adoption stories. They can be sad and scary sometimes. And there are adult adoptees who honestly believe adoption is negative and that they were abusted/stole/abducted from their birth families or countries and LOST their life. And that the new life they were given wasn't good enough or would ever be good enough to replace the first part of their life. That saddens me so much. To think that Lil M might hate adoption when she grows up is just hard for me to think about. People say it won't happen, but I try to be realistic. It could.

And then... I remember God. I believe that I'm in a place right now where God wants me to forgive myself for my mistakes. I've told myself for years that I'm forgiven and free. God loves me. And that is true. But, I think that personal forgiveness is the absolute hardest thing for me. Giving myself permission to be real, human and make mistakes. I'm not perfect. No one is perfect.

And with that, I remember that God wanted me to adopt. Whatever the reason why... it is what I absolutely, completely believed was my purpose. And I still do. I can be afraid, or I can accept it and keep moving forward. I don't have all the answers. Shoot, I don't have all the questions!! (although, I can come up with a lot!)

So, what does this all mean? Well, we live in a fallen world. We do. It is reality. In (what people tell me would be) a perfect world, there would be no need for adoption. Ever. Right? And, if that world was perfect, if adoption was necessary, then it would be done perfectly and ethically in each and every single situation. That everyone would feel validated, free and forgived. There would be no hurt. Children would be with their "biological" families. They would live near the place of their birth, if they chose to. But this is not always possible, is it? And even when it is, life is not perfect. It is what you make it to be. Wallow, flail, sink... or swim, walk, dance, Love!

My purpose is to follow God. To follow God's desires for my life. To teach me how to be a better woman, a better person. And one of those ways, I believe is to take care of the people I'm supposed to take care of. For me, adoption is real. It is a real, viable, amazing, awesome, loving way to create a family. And, if that is what God wants me to continue, then so be it. I will follow. I will be a light to my family and my community, and I will be an advocate for our children.

People can tell you adoption sucks. Adoption is bad. It destroys families. It ruins lives. Adoption doesn't ruin life. Don't kill the messenger. PEOPLE ruin life. Cheating, lying, stealing, divorce, adultery... the list goes on and on. Can the process suck? Can it do more harm than good in some cases? Is there loss? Yes and yes and yes.

What I've come to believe is that it is a choice. Is the glass half empty or half full? I'm a half full kind of gal. I choose life. I can't change the bad stuff. I can only try to be part of the solution, not the problem.

So, in my opinion, all that other stuff is secondary to the main point of life - LOVE. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and soul and mind... and your neighbor as yourself.

I have a purpose.

Peace.