Adoption thoughts

So, in my quest for as much information as I can get, I read other adoptive parents blogs, as well as adoptees blogs (IA and otherwise). Some of these can be quite eye-opening. Some make me a bit sad, even. I am not one of those people who think that adopting from China is all ladybugs and red threads. I would love to believe that love will conquer all, and that will be all my daughter needs to feel good about herself, where she came from, where she is and where she is going. I am not naive enough to believe, however, that that is true! It isn't. And I need to know how to equip her with as much as I can to help her succeed. I'm trying to learn what that might be.

Some people who know me can appreciate the fact that I truly believe in relationship and family and that I want nothing more than for my daughter to feel like she "belongs" somewhere. I already mourn that for her and she isn't even here yet. I do think it is going to be a challenge. I worry about her and our white society. Is it fair of me to bring her her? In some people's eyes, no. There are so many things that go into making the decision to adopt and from where. And I don't feel like I owe it to anyone but her the reasons I choose to adopt from China. I will say, however, that I feel like it is my responsibility to be thoughtful in that decision (as I feel everyone who chooses this path, should be, IMO), not for my sake, but hers (the childrens). And I hope I have been.

I've met a lot of people lately who have either adopted or been adopted themselves. They say that she will be "lucky" to be here instead of China (well-meaning, for sure). I get these comments from other folks as well (along with lots of invasive questions). I don't know how to respond to that. Saying I'm the lucky one sounds trite to me. Am I am lucky to be able to help someone else along on their life journey, yes. To have a daughter? Yes. But it will be different for her, for sure. She will (would) have challenges either way. Sometimes it is more important for someone to feel like they fit in over the perceived benefits of education and career/money. Or at least, from what I've read, that is a part of themselves they struggle with because it is very real even if it isn't tangible. I completely respect that.

And I realize, that most would agree that having a home is better than an orphanage, but there is definitely a cost involved. I'm sure this is not only emotional, internal, but also of familiarity and generations of history. We can sometimes forget that because our 'history' a lot of times has been here in the US for a century or more. We all moved here from somewhere, even if it was a 100 years ago, and so we feel like others should go ahead and adapt like that. Forgetting all they leave behind (except, i can look at my dad and see parts of myself, IA's don't have that). Wow. That is a lot for someone to swallow. Go somewhere different. Look different. Feel different. Alone. Have no history whatsoever. Whoa. And somehow I'm supposed to think that my love will conquer all that? No way. I just hope that we can build a family together, though, and that someday she will want me as family as much as I want her as family. And that somehow I can give her some sense of being truly loved no matter what.

And don't get me wrong. I'm very excited to be doing all this. I worry (ask my sis). But I believe this is the path I'm supposed to be on. I realize that sounds selfish from my daughter's standpoint, probably. From what I've read, anyway. I mean, she has no choice in who her family will be (but do any of us, really?!). It is always decided by someone else (my opinion, God or this type of route).

Anyway, I really do want to honor where my daughter comes from and I hope that I can help her along her journey of finding herself. Because finding herself is most important. It takes even those of us who weren't adopted decades to start finding our 'own' self. Making peace with the past. It takes reflection of where we came from and where we are and where we are going, as I said before. I can't answer all those questions for her, but I hope I can help her, anyway.

peace.