Singleness and Marriage

As a follow-up to my last post, here's a little bit more about me. I figured I'd share a little, because my life is different than that of the ones I've been reading lately. I'm not a stay-at-home Mom. I'm not married. I'm a 30-something, who adopted my child as a single parent by choice. And, for me, that's the best decision I've ever made.

I am happy with my life, and I believe I'm where God wants me to be. Not every woman has to be married. Not every person has to be married. In Scripture, Paul extols the benefits of being a single person. I'm not knocking marriage. And, as a matter of fact, I will get married if that's where my life leads me. :)

But that's not where I have been for the past few years. Oh, I dated. And dated... but God had some work to do in me before I could be ready to marry. I had to be able to stand on my own two feet and to realize my own worth before I could love someone else, too. We are all different. Some people learn early on that they are worthy of love. Others don't. And then there are those who think that Marriage is the end-all-be-all and it will make them "whole". Well, it doesn't.

God created you whole. And if you aren't feeling whole, it is because there is something you need to learn. That may or may not include marriage. It is not a reason to get married, IMO. Two whole people who get married are the ones who truly love themselves, and their mate, and put their own needs in the mix. If you don't love yourself, you're apt to put the other person first all the time, and eventually will drain yourself (possibly) of all self-esteem you had to begin with. You could be used and abused... and not necessarily even know it. We live in a fallen world.

I wish people would teach their children and loved ones, and especially our young women that it is OK to EITHER be by yourself or be with someone, but that they must love themselves. Love others, yes. But love yourself, too. It is OK to take the path less traveled. And it is OK to get married. But do it for the right reasons.

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and soul and mind, and your neighbor as yourself. Just remember, that nowhere does God say that we can't love ourselves. He wants us to love ourselves. We were made in God's image, and that is a good thing. If you don't love yourself, truly, then how can you love others... truly...without being in a place of putting your own self down (guilt, fear, or no self-esteem, etc.). Think about it.

As always,

Peace.

PS. This has nothing to do with my current relationship. I'm very happy with S, and we're waiting to see what the future holds for us. I just wanted to write a little about what I've learned and other options for people out there trying to find themselves and/or a mate.

Update - KY SB68

Apparently, the Senator who wrote me and said that KY Senate Bill 68 had been withdrawn, was wrong. :(

I have since found out that this bill is sitting in Judiciary Review and so I have written each of it's members. I'm hoping you will, too. So, if you want to concentrate on a smaller group for now, this'd be the one!!

http://www.lrc.ky.gov/committee/Standing/Jud(S)/members.htm

Please write your Senator if you are in KY, and add these folks to your list!! I'm praying it will 'die' in Judiciary review... but there aren't any guarantees.

Peace.

I can't hardly think straight

I am beside myself upset over this issue here in Kentucky, as I've already written. I had two people write to me today and tell me that they would NOT like to see a foster child in a home with cohabiting parents (read: not married). WHAT? You'd rather see them in an orphanage???? She said, YES. She thinks that is in the best interest of the child! An orphanage is better. OMG. And she's an a-parent.

I realize we all have our different thoughts regarding marriage. I'm all for marriage. What I am NOT for is for someone to tell me I have to get married. It is my life. And if I don't get married and I want to live with someone, that is between ME, GOD, and my SO. And, if I or we want to adopt or foster a child/ren... so what of it?

The next thing is how are you going to MAKE SURE that the person isn't cohabiting with someone? What if they have a roommate? Is that banned now? The first line says "cohabiting with a person outside of marriage" it doesn't say sexual relationship... slippery slope...

I'm so angry tonight, because I feel like whatever I do it isn't going to be enough to help, and we're going to be stuck with this back-water legislation here in my state. Unbelievable. I've written Senators. I've gotten the word out on Facebook and Myspace. But who cares? The reality is that if they want to get it passed, it'll pass. And it is beyond stupid.

If you do nothing else, will you pretty please PRAY with all your heart that God will not allow this bill to go through. That is the only other thing I haven't put out there as a global prayer request, though I did ask a fellow co-worked to add it to their Sunday prayer list...

Please, Dear Lord, please do not let this bill 68 pass. Please let us find a way to squash it like the bug it is. Forever and ever, amen.

Peace.

KY Senate Bill 68 - unbelievable

AN ACT relating to the welfare of adopted and foster care children.

Be it enacted by the General Assembly of the Commonwealth of Kentucky:

SECTION 1. A NEW SECTION OF KRS CHAPTER 199 IS CREATED TO READ AS FOLLOWS:

(1) The Kentucky General Assembly finds that it is in the best interest of a child in need of adoption or foster care to be reared or placed in a home in which the adoptive or foster parents are not cohabiting outside of a marriage that is legally valid in Kentucky.

(2) An applicant shall not be approved to provide foster care or relative caregiver services to a child, or approved to receive a child for adoption if the applicant is cohabiting with a sexual partner outside of a marriage that is legally valid in Kentucky.

(3) The Cabinet for Health and Family Services shall promulgate an administrative regulation to implement this section.

(4) This section shall be known as "The Child Welfare Adoption Act."

(5) This section shall not apply to children placed for adoption prior to the effective date of this Act.

...

Create a new section of KRS Chapter 199 to prohibit the approval of foster care, relative caregiver services, or adoption of a child by an applicant who is cohabiting with a sexual partner outside of a marriage that is legally valid in Kentucky; create the short title "The Child Welfare Adoption Act"; exempt children placed for adoption prior to the effective date of this Act; amend KRS 199.470 to conform.


I'm so horrified. Trying to find ANY way to get people to see how wrong this is... sorry to belabor it on my blog, but it is just wrong what they are trying to do.

Peace.

If you are in KY - SB 68

Please, please, please write to your senator(s) to OPPOSE Senate bill 68. Here is the link. Most of this can be done via email these days and doesn't take too much time.

Senators by County - KY

PLEASE???

This has just got to stop. Is there not one righteous person left in this world that will stand up for what is right?

Peace.

Kentucky Discriminates against Singles

Senate Bill 68: 'Kids Lose Homes, Kentuckians Lose Millions Act'

OMG, I'm SEEING RED.

KY has senate bill 68 that would make it so that any person who wants to adopt or foster a child while co-habitating with someone they aren't "legally married to" ILLEGAL. (not that i'm co-habitating with anyone... and i'm fully hetero, but what's next? NO Singles allowed to adopt at all???)

This is what it says:

Introduced by Sen. Gary Tapp (R) on February 5, 2009, to prohibit someone who is cohabitating with a sexual partner outside of marriage from becoming a foster parent, providing relative caregiver services, or adopting a child. The bill exempts situations in which a child was placed for adoption prior to this bill becoming effective.

So, anyone who lives with a boyfriend or girlfriend... even of the opposite sex, or people who live in a 'common law' marriage CANNOT adopt or foster. What, HUH??

part of one article:
..."The deceptively-worded bill is identical to a measure recently passed in Arkansas that prohibits adoption or foster care by an applicant "cohabiting with a sexual partner outside of a marriage that is legally valid in Kentucky." The language of the bill renders not just same-gender couples unfit to parent, but countless heterosexual couples that could serve as "next of kin" placement for children in need. The state would be forced to provide millions in additional foster care, an irresponsible burden to add to the Commonwealth's economic crisis. " http://www.kentuckylawblog.com/2009/02/laws-sb-68-regarding-unmarried-couples-seeking-adoption-and-foster-care-is-showing-signs-of-contover.html

Anything you can do to help would be appreciated - write or call the stupid Senator...

The Fairness Campaign group is meeting this Wednesday in Frankfort to show support AGAINST this awful bill.

This first link will take you to a page where you can send a letter:

Send a Letter PLEASE : http://eqfed.org/campaign/family


http://www.topix.com/news/gay/2009/02/anti-gay-adoption-bill-being-considered-in\
-kentucky

http://www.fairness.org/mc/page.do


http://eqfed.org/campaign/family

And, so help me, if someone tries to write to me and say that's not what this will come to... well, be warned... I'm very upset about this. This is discrimination, and it isn't right. And you don't want to see the wrath of Melissa. Red, I tell you. I'm seeing red.

Peace.

Single Mother by Choice

So, I've been searching for sites about people like me... Single Moms by Choice... or single parents by choice...whatever... boy, is there a bunch of CRAP out there!! I mean, I certainly don't have all the answers (or even some, half the time!!), but some of the stuff out there is just depressing, demotivating and rough. Don't get me wrong, I know there are a lot of people out there who've had a really tough life, through their own actions or as a result of someone elses... but I really was hoping to find others like me out there. Apparently, those are the ones who don't write or have anything realistic to say? The ones I've found just moan and groan and whine!! That sounds terrible, but oh well.

I hope I don't whine all the time. I've definitely made some different decisions in my life than most of the people I know or that seem to be out there. I "chose" not to get married in my 20's because I knew I wasn't ready. I knew I had to figure out how to be in a relationship with a man, and not just pick someone out of convenience or fancy. I also knew that adoption was an option for me. I didn't know that I would end up doing it by myself... but I've been OK with that decision since the moment I made it.

So, what makes our little family all that different? I guess, no Dad for Lil M. Apparently, that's just not the "ideal" situation....but for us it seems pretty ideal. (as an aside, this has NOTHING to do with who I am dating, btw, he is wonderful and I'm not going to speculate about our future here, but suffice to say, if we decide to move to the next level, i have no doubt we will do that together).

Some days are definitely harder than others. My last job was the PITS. I had a horrible boss, one who was a woman, yet seemed to have issue with me from day one. I kept thinking it was either because she kept me to higher standards or it was because she took offense to my single-motherhood-ness... or something. It really stressed me out. I mean, STRESSED. The amazing thing with my new job is that even though I work with a bunch of people who seem to be very traditional, male, conservative, with stay-at-home wives... I am 100 times more relaxed than I have been in months...and this has just been two weeks!! I have more time to spend with Mia because my commute is nil, I can come home for lunch if I want to or even run an errand. I can take a half hour lunch and leave after my 8.5 hours (instead of 9) are done! I know it is a straight contract job, that very well could end next year... but, man, it's crazy how much better I already feel. So much so, that I took the time to clean my home office a little more last night. I'm itching to really run. I'm thinking I can and should get back to my hobbies full-swing. Heck, if this keeps up, I might just have to start thinking of number 2 in the next few months (ok, I've already been thinking, I mean actually start the paperwork)...

So, speaking of number 2, I'm still a little on the fence about that. I want Lil M to have a sibling. But I know how hard this past year has been to get my feet under me again... I'm not sure if I have what it takes to be a parent of multiple children... but I think I've always had this thought somewhere that I am supposed to have more... what a conundrum.

Life didn't end because I became a Single Mom by Choice. It did change (thanks for the "sound" advice, all you men - DAD - out there!! or is that "master(s) of the obvious"???) ROFL. I'm not sure how women do this who are young, don't have educations and such. I can't imagine what they must have to go through. I can understand why someone would end up being with a man just to try to 'save' themselves... because some days the stress is quite great, even for me.

I admire my sister who is picking herself up and moving on from a bad marriage...and who has fought and is still fighting for Chase. We might have different parenting styles, but she is one of the best Moms I know. Watching her with my two nephews gave me the strength to know that *I* could actually parent... that you don't have to be perfect to parent. You just have to keep trying.

I am by no means perfect. We sometimes have cheese, applesauce and crackers for dinner. Just because. Or cereal. Or oatmeal. Other times, I actually cook... and let me tell you... I am not a chef, that's for sure!!! haha. The housework is NEVER-ENDING... and as I sit here and contemplate other children, hobbies...whatever.. I think, I could be doing housework! Yeah, whatever. ;-)

**Added, ok, so I sat here and rambled...and I noticed I'm feeling more stressed tonight than I let on. I'm not sure why, exactly, but I suspect it is because I'm trying to de-stress after the past few months and it is just taking some time. So, even though I'm really happy right now, all things considered!, i'm actually feeling anxious. What a dichotomy. I think I'm going to start writing more.

Peace.