For the past few days (and on and off for what seems like forever), I've been thinking about this thing they call attachment again. I am not sure where to begin, but I do know that people will tell me not to worry and that everything is OK.
Lil M and I are doing fine. She's a joy and I am so privileged to be her Mommy. Some days I wonder if we've got enough time together. I mean, we only get a few hours together each day, except on the weekends. I realize this is what pretty much all working parents get with their kids, regardless of how they came to be a family. I do wonder sometimes, though, if it's enough time for us to have proper attachment... I know she knows that I'm the one who gets her up each day and puts her to bed each night. That I'm the one who comes to get her from daycare... and I try to do those attachment types of things they suggest doing... but some days when she looks at me it seems distant... or something. I can't explain it. Maybe it is just me. Maybe it is just my fears or worries. I still worry that she won't eventually accept me as her Mommy. I think that sometimes I keep my distance in response to those (unfounded) fears. And I hate that about myself. I don't want to do that or feel that way.
It's not that I don't love her. I love her very, very much. I know she's mine. I know she's my daughter. But why do I sometimes feel like it's a dream? Or that it will all go away? I hate that feeling. Today, for some reason, I feel like I need to acknowledge it, though. I think I'm going to do some more reading about attachment and how others feel through this process.
I think part of it is the crummy stuff I've had to go through in the past few months, that have nothing to do with her at all. And those things have colored my feelings about everything. Makes me sad and angry. I'm trying to let go of that situation... and move on. And I'm feeling a bit better every day, which is good. But, I still worry about mine and Lil M's relationship. Just because someone knows one the outside that they are loved doesn't mean they know it in their heart. And I wonder... does she know?
I realize when she is growing up she'll deny me at times. Say I'm not her mommy and all. I hear that is normal. But it is going to BREAK MY HEART. I'm already fretting. What the heck...???
Yes, it will be OK. Yes, I am her Mommy. Yes, she is my daughter. Yes, we love each other. Yes... this too shall pass.
17 hours ago