Thursday, January 10, 2008


Today I read a lot of adoptees' blogs. I do that sometimes. I really like to read different perspectives about children and their experiences. It definitely puts me in a pensive mood, though.

The whole real parent, aparent, "having" children (by birth, of course), first choice, second best... some adoptees thing transracial adoption should not be an option, that children should have a different way to grow up than in a family that is of a different race. Some understand the need for adoption in society, but still don't like it. The love their aparents, but feel disconnected, empty. They get tired of answering questions, or being told that they should feel a certain way about their aparents and families. That they should be 'lucky' or 'grateful'. Some want to find their birth parents, others don't. But the ones who do, say that the ones who don't will want to someday. I wonder if that is true. I don't believe you can put adoptees all in one bucket, just like you can't with the sexes, race, class.

So, of course this all makes me think of Lil M and how she might grow up to hate me and the institution of adoption. I know, I know... she'll love me and I'm worrying over nothing. Well, hate to break it to ya... it's something to me. I'm sure I'm not the only parent out there who wants to "fix" it all (make all the bad stuff go away) for our children... right? That's where this comes from. I don't want her to hurt. I don't want people to say mean things to her. Or for her to be labeled, or for people to act like leaving China wasn't a big deal. 'Cause one day it just might be. She's got to mourn her losses, even if others don't think they're pertinent. And I know those kinds of things are going to happen. I just wish they wouldn't.

Second thought:
I also read about Single Parents, again (just happened upon it, actually). An interesting article about Korean single mom's and how they are viewed. Poorly, apparently. And, that hit home. I just wrote about it yesterday... I was trying to put out there a happy little vibe about my status, I guess. It is interesting, in this article, the lady pointed out that people assume single parents are incapable, uneducated, with low self-esteem... (I'll find the article and post it, when I get the chance.) They were referring to women who get divorced or who's husband's have passed. I realize they weren't writing an article about those of us who choose to single parent by choice. But still. It hit a nerve. Maybe it is because my own Mom struggled when we were growing up. And to think someone thought less of her because she had kids just makes me mad.

Some folks at work treat me the same way. Like just because I'm a Mom now, I'm not smart anymore or capable or can't handle work just like everyone else. Which is just a load of hooey. I mean, really. We single parents have a tough go, sometimes, yes, but we're pretty darn organized and can do a lot more than a lot of married folks out there (no offense). We have to. We have to be all things... all the time. No rest for the weary. When we're tired... who changes the diaper? Me. Who gives the bathes and makes dinner (albeit, nothing fancy)? Me. Who washes ALL the clothes, does the dishes, takes care of the cat, the dogs, the baby and myself?? If someone gets sick? Hm, let me see... that'd be me. I have to make sure we get up in the morning. And put everyone to bed every night. Oh, and work a full-time job, pay the bills, get the oil changed... yada, yada, yada.

One day my boss acted incredulous because I wanted to take the morning to get my furnace fixed... why didn't I do that over the weekend, he asked? Oh, I don't know... they don't always work the weekend, and if they do they are more expensive. I said... you'd have to do the same thing if your furnace broke... he said... Nope. my WIFE handles all that (and to that he waved his hand away in a brushing motion). Must be nice!!! I need one of those... can I borrow her sometime? Sounds like she might be pretty useful!!

See my point? Oh, and even if you don't... these are just my thoughts for the day. I'm not trying to slam couples. I'm even jealous sometimes. :)



  1. I'm not even a mom yet and all these same thoughts run through my head pretty regularly.

    What helps me is to think of all the adults out there who can't stand their own bio parents. Being raised by your bio parents doesn't guarantee a happy, stress-free life.

    And as for "doing it all", I sometimes wonder how I'll manage. But I read these single mom blogs (like yours) and I remain inspired and hopeful. I know it's hard, but you're doing great!

  2. Can I please come over and slap your boss?

    Neanderthal. really.
    And don't be so sure his wife wouldn't expect him there when the furnace went out. hmfm@!

  3. You go girl! You CAN do it all, don't let people like your boss slow you down. Being a single mom by choice is very rewarding I think. You take the good with the bad. If something goes wrong, blame yourself, get over it and go. None of the back and forth who did what when. And when you succeed, tada! Look at what I did!

    I would also like a wife. I've heard they do things like clean house and cook. I've heard you can hire them and they will actually come over and clean?!? Hmmm...

  4. I LOVED this post. (oh.. btw.. I found your blog from another IA blogroll). I'm a single mom-to-be and already just waiting for the gas man, etc. is something my officemates just don't understand.

  5. Hi. Your post was very timely for me. We're thinking about adopting a boy from Korea and I have been reading the blogs of those adult Korean adoptees who are none too pleased, but you are right..I don't think you can lump all adoptees in to one pile. I have two male adult friends adopted from Korea, raised in middle white America, and content as can be.

    On the other hand, I do worry that Zoe will grow up angry about having been removed from China and I hope to do all I can to help her cope. As Amy said, growing up with bio parents isn't all that great sometimes either. I hope I can help our daughter (and possible son) deal with the hand life has dealt her.