Emotions

I'm having a bit of a rough night... thankfully, the days are getting a little better, but for some reason today's been worse. Having one of those poor-pity-me evenings... you know, when you don't feel like you can ever do anything right?

So, let's see, here are some general thoughts I've had today:

Why am I here again? I mean... alone. What is my problem? Why can't I seem to get it right?

Thank God that Mia hasn't been asking about Scott. Not in a few days, anyway, so that has been a little comforting. I know she will say something at some point, but I'm just glad she isn't for now. That's right. She'll get over him, too. Frankly, I can't wait, because I think he was a real asshole how he ended things.

The whole thing still makes me completely sick to my stomach. And angry. And sad. And, I'm trying to work through it... because, well, I have to. So, this is just another general vent about the whole situation.

On the other hand, let's see... Lil M is just as sweet as ever. I already posted the pics from today. I think her wanting to sit in her swing tonight (for the first time in months) was kind of what brought up some of these emotions for me. He bought her that swing... at the same time. It is just a swing. And I'm trying to take the emotional part away from it, because it isn't worth all that effort.

On the potty front... she's been doing well. She had a daytime accident for the first time in MONTHS the other day, but it was the only one. It was just a little accident. Overnight, she's been doing well, too. She had two wet nights this week, so far, so that's not too bad. :) I know she "gets it" mostly... and it's going to take time to be 100% dry. I actually think she's doing great!

Now, let's hope for another dry night and no talking about you-know-who anytime soon. Oh, and sleep. I slept for crap last night. :( I really need to get back on track with that. I haven't been doing so well for awhile now, and this situation hasn't made it any better. So, here's to less stress and more sleep.

Peace.

Thoughts

Ok, so I haven't written about anything "important" lately... been sort of fluffy around here, huh? LOL. But I have this blog for a couple of reasons... one, to keep family and friends up to date about Lil M and me... our little family... and two, to write about stuff that I think is important.

Well. Y'all know sometimes I go out and check out others blogs (all the time, actually)... and some of those are adoptees' blogs. I think it is important to keep an eye on what adoptees, especially International Adoptees (IA) think and feel. I will never purport to understand the losses they feel. It hurts me, actually, not because I am unsympathetic, rather, because I do sympathize. I worry for Lil M. I wonder about the losses she will feel. What she will want to know about her first mother, that is beyond us... maybe one day she will get to know, but the likeliness is that she won't. I believe that someday that could really affect her. I hope I am able to help her move through the pain and into a peaceful place with it all. Who knows if I can even do that... it might not even be mine to do... or she may not want me to. Or be afraid to ask.

I do know that while I wasn't her 'first mom' or her birthmother... I am gladly her Mommy. Her one and only Mommy for as much of her life as she will let me be - Always.

I do hurt for her. I've gone through so much in my own life... so many changes and major transitions, that I imagine for a baby it had to be internally quite overwhelming. That is my feeling. And people may not think that babies can feel or have those emotions, but I believe they do. They just can't verbalize them yet. I wonder if that deep-down hurt ever goes away? Think about it... we go through huge traumas in our lives... do we ever really, really give them up in our hearts? I don't know that we do. When I look at myself, I sometimes feel like one just adds on top of another... and that's how people get overwhelmed and give up... or close their heart... or their door...

Last night she had a booboo and she raised her arms and cried... "Mommy!!!"... what a sweet word. It was the first time she did both those things at the same time. Oh, she's raised her arms to me. She's let me comfort her. She's called me Mommy or Mama. But to do that at the same time gave me an amazing feeling. It was good.

My life has changed so much in the past year. I AM NOT COMPLAINING. It has been good. (ok, and some not so good...) Mindy said it quite aptly today... we are at the point in our lives where we KNOW things will change. NOTHING will last forever (ok, except God) here in this world. It may last a day. It may last a week or 20 years. But not forever. That is a hard thing to really grasp for me, sometimes. To just put it out there and accept it. I mean, that sounds stupid. I KNOW things change. I'm not stupid. But, to accept that what I have today, I might not have tomorrow... is a little scary. It is why people with major health issues learn to let go and live one day, one moment at a time. It is what I believe God would have for me, too. But it has been a tough one for me to grasp recently, for some reason. I want stability. I want Mia to have stability. I want her to Always want me. I want to not be scared or worried. Everything has worked out in my life... God is Good. Life is good. I know these things... but sometimes, knowing them temporally is different than allowing your heart to let go of the other grap...

I think I'm going to try to write more. I can't seem to get into my hobbies these days... and I love my hobbies. I think I need to deal with these stupid thoughts head-on (haha) and push past them somehow.

At the same time. All my friends and loved ones out there. I do not need to be committed to the looney bin just yet! Please don't worry!!!! ;-)

On a lighter note... Lil M is amazing. I love her. And I believe our bonding/attachment is coming along. I believe it will be a work in progress... even though others think we're already there. She is mine, and I am hers. And I'm SO glad we're family.

Peace.