Thursday, November 6, 2008

Single Mother by Choice

So, I've been searching for sites about people like me... Single Moms by Choice... or single parents by choice...whatever... boy, is there a bunch of CRAP out there!! I mean, I certainly don't have all the answers (or even some, half the time!!), but some of the stuff out there is just depressing, demotivating and rough. Don't get me wrong, I know there are a lot of people out there who've had a really tough life, through their own actions or as a result of someone elses... but I really was hoping to find others like me out there. Apparently, those are the ones who don't write or have anything realistic to say? The ones I've found just moan and groan and whine!! That sounds terrible, but oh well.

I hope I don't whine all the time. I've definitely made some different decisions in my life than most of the people I know or that seem to be out there. I "chose" not to get married in my 20's because I knew I wasn't ready. I knew I had to figure out how to be in a relationship with a man, and not just pick someone out of convenience or fancy. I also knew that adoption was an option for me. I didn't know that I would end up doing it by myself... but I've been OK with that decision since the moment I made it.

So, what makes our little family all that different? I guess, no Dad for Lil M. Apparently, that's just not the "ideal" situation....but for us it seems pretty ideal. (as an aside, this has NOTHING to do with who I am dating, btw, he is wonderful and I'm not going to speculate about our future here, but suffice to say, if we decide to move to the next level, i have no doubt we will do that together).

Some days are definitely harder than others. My last job was the PITS. I had a horrible boss, one who was a woman, yet seemed to have issue with me from day one. I kept thinking it was either because she kept me to higher standards or it was because she took offense to my single-motherhood-ness... or something. It really stressed me out. I mean, STRESSED. The amazing thing with my new job is that even though I work with a bunch of people who seem to be very traditional, male, conservative, with stay-at-home wives... I am 100 times more relaxed than I have been in months...and this has just been two weeks!! I have more time to spend with Mia because my commute is nil, I can come home for lunch if I want to or even run an errand. I can take a half hour lunch and leave after my 8.5 hours (instead of 9) are done! I know it is a straight contract job, that very well could end next year... but, man, it's crazy how much better I already feel. So much so, that I took the time to clean my home office a little more last night. I'm itching to really run. I'm thinking I can and should get back to my hobbies full-swing. Heck, if this keeps up, I might just have to start thinking of number 2 in the next few months (ok, I've already been thinking, I mean actually start the paperwork)...

So, speaking of number 2, I'm still a little on the fence about that. I want Lil M to have a sibling. But I know how hard this past year has been to get my feet under me again... I'm not sure if I have what it takes to be a parent of multiple children... but I think I've always had this thought somewhere that I am supposed to have more... what a conundrum.

Life didn't end because I became a Single Mom by Choice. It did change (thanks for the "sound" advice, all you men - DAD - out there!! or is that "master(s) of the obvious"???) ROFL. I'm not sure how women do this who are young, don't have educations and such. I can't imagine what they must have to go through. I can understand why someone would end up being with a man just to try to 'save' themselves... because some days the stress is quite great, even for me.

I admire my sister who is picking herself up and moving on from a bad marriage...and who has fought and is still fighting for Chase. We might have different parenting styles, but she is one of the best Moms I know. Watching her with my two nephews gave me the strength to know that *I* could actually parent... that you don't have to be perfect to parent. You just have to keep trying.

I am by no means perfect. We sometimes have cheese, applesauce and crackers for dinner. Just because. Or cereal. Or oatmeal. Other times, I actually cook... and let me tell you... I am not a chef, that's for sure!!! haha. The housework is NEVER-ENDING... and as I sit here and contemplate other children, hobbies...whatever.. I think, I could be doing housework! Yeah, whatever. ;-)

**Added, ok, so I sat here and rambled...and I noticed I'm feeling more stressed tonight than I let on. I'm not sure why, exactly, but I suspect it is because I'm trying to de-stress after the past few months and it is just taking some time. So, even though I'm really happy right now, all things considered!, i'm actually feeling anxious. What a dichotomy. I think I'm going to start writing more.



  1. I think you're amazing and an amazing mom- this was such a great post.

    (and hey, to hear all about my new guy, scroll down a bit on my blog to the post "the sum of love"- it is an AMAZING story- plus there are pics of us)... seriously, mind blowing story.

  2. Great post. I've just joined a yahoo group for "single with two" which is open to parents planning the second adoption or home with two or more. I also love FRUA which is for parents adopting from Eastern Europe: but it has a great singles thread with a lot of practical advice. Feel free to email me if you want more information.

    Sometimes I feel overwhelmed being single but I wouldn't change my life for a heartbeat :)

  3. Just wanted to say hi and you're not alone! Single mom by choice here with adopted daughter from China, born 1997, adopted 1998. Come by and visit and check out some of the great single-parent blogs in my blogroll.

    Your blog doesn't allow signatures by Wordpress blogs, but mine's at

  4. I love your blog and you seem like a great mom, single or not. Being a mom is hard work and kudos to you for being so grounded.