Find My Family - show

This article sums up how I feel about ABC's new show Find My Family.

Read the article here.

If you have adopted, you might feel like I do. This show is so sensationalized and makes it seem like the only thing that matters to an adoptee is finding their birth family. I'm not an adoptee, but people are more complex than that. Oi.

That being said, I do want Lil M to know it is OK for her to search if/when she ever wants to. It's just that I don't agree with the media perpetuating the idea that an adoptive family's relationship to their child isn't 'as good as'....

Peace.

Toddler Bed

Lil M has been sleeping in her crib up until tonight... tonight, she's in her new (to her) toddler bed, thanks to my friend at work! Her son, who is 5, just graduated to a big bed... and so she gave me his toddler bed! :)


My baby is growing up! Let's see how she does tonight. :) Her very first-ever night in her big-girl bed!! I guess I should get her something cute to make her bed look special, huh? She seemed pretty excited, so I hope this goes over well!

I think we're going to see the new movie The Blind Side tomorrow. This is still National Adoption Month... and tomorrow, the 21st, is National Adoption Day!! The Blind Side is the movie with Sandra Bullock that is about a successful older child adoption. Please go see it!! :)

Peace.

Sensitive

So, I've been told for a long time by certain people that I'm "too sensitive" when it comes to my daughter (race, adoption). And all I can say to this is... I'd rather be too sensitive than not be sensitive enough. Of course, you wish you could be perfect... but that I'm not.

I do care when people make racial comments (Chinese or other). I think in today's world it is completely inappropriate and rude. I don't really care if you're old and/or not in the know. Learn how to be nice.

I do care when people make adoptive families out to not be 'real' families... (like that new show called "find my family"... that infers that the family you've been with your whole life isn't important.

I do care when people say insensitive things, and while I realize I can't always be there to protect my daughter... and it isn't my responsibility to educate the whole world... It still bothers me, and I can't help but to react.

So there. I'm sensitive. Whatever. Sue me. What's YOUR issue? Surely, you're not perfect either.

Of course, that's just my opinion... and, I'm entitled to it.

Peace.

Orphan Sunday

Part of National Adoption Month this year includes a day to prayerfully consider our world's orphans; that day is today. Today is Orphan Sunday.

To me, this means thinking about and praying for all the children in need here at home, and abroad. Is there something you can do to help even just one?

Family reunification?
Adoption?
Foster care?
Sponsoring?
Big Brother/Big Sister?
Volunteering?
Supporting a friend who is a Social Worker?
Praying?

Please consider all children in need today!

Cry of the Orphan event in Nashville at 4pm CST as a Webcast! We can all be a part of this event...

Peace.

On the brain

I seriously have adoption on the brain again.

I wish so much that China, or even Vietnam, would open up to us singles again. :( But, I'm praying and praying about Kazakhstan.

That's all I've got today. Oh, and been going over the budget for the zillionth time. Oh yeah, it's that fun. ;-)

Peace.

Tigger Movie and Family

I got Lil M the Tigger Movie for her birthday (as part of her presents). The premise of the movie is that Tigger is distraught and wants to find his "real" tigger family. He waits for them. He pines for them. Then his friends write him a letter and Tigger automatically assumes it is from his "real" family... so he sets up a party and when his friends try to make him feel better by dressing up as tiggers... he has fun until he finds out that they aren't really tiggers at all... and not his REAL family... so he searches and searches... until his friends find him in the snow storm and try to get him to come home. Climax is that he saves his friends and eventually comes to the realization that they were his true family after all.

Can you say tear your heart out? Over an hour of rip your guts out... you're not my real family... and then 2 minutes of resolution that his friends of the forest really are his real family...

Really. It is a great movie. It did, however, make me quite uncomfortable for most of the movie. And, that is likely due to the fact that that is what we are told as adoptive families... we aren't the real family. We're a substitute. We're not as good as... and that is not the message convey to my daughter. Don't get me wrong. She's going to hear it. And, I have no idea how she will react... and, thank God, this movie did have a good resolution. Just because we don't necessarily look like the people we call family, doesn't mean we aren't just as good as the rest of them. And it doesn't mean we aren't a true, real, bonafide family. We ARE. :)

So, part of the reason I bring this up is because it is how I feel about "our" family. The people who have been our true family are some of the ones that aren't even biologically related to us. That goes for me... some of the people who care about me most are friends I've made along the way in this life. And for that and for them... I am SO thankful. I can always count on them to be there. And, you know... that's what's most important in the end.

Who did you love and who loved you? And, did you participate?

Now, I am by no means perfect. I've let my friends down more than I have ever thought or wanted to. I think Tigger knew all along, as I have known all along, that the people who surround you with love are the keepers... and we've just got to move forward and keep those relationships going.

I hope Lil M learns that too. :) Actually, I believe she will.

We had a GREAT birthday party this weekend for Lil M. I will post about that and about her last swim lessons next. :)

Peace.

Your Story Matters

So, my girlfriend Kristen is having a Your Story Matters Party today... (over here at PajamaMama) Please go visit her and the others! Their stories are amazing and wonderful.

So, I thought I'd participate.

My story seems so long. But for some reason recently, I feel it necessary to talk, write and share what I can so that others might be able to find that something special in their own selves and their own lives, too. If you just want the synopsis and not to have to read the whole thing, here is is: I felt very unlovable for most of my life and I believe that God doesn't want me to feel that way any more. I had to learn it the hard way, through life experiences. God loved me first. (ps. This is highly likely not a big revelation for anyone else but me, and so I sort of feel foolish even writing about it like it's a big deal... but since it has been important in my life, and I wanted to contribute to "Your Story Matters", I'm going to share parts of my story...again.)

...I want to say it started way back when I was a kid, myself. My parents married, divorced, married again (and again and again)... I do not begrudge their decisions, but their decisions did have an impact on my life. There was a huge portion of my teen and adult life where I felt like if no one could love my mother, who could love me? I felt very unlovable. (and as my friend Ellen and I have determined... feeling unlovable is a huge problem, it seems, these days... think about it. If you don't feel loved, how do you feel worthy or good about yourself? The likeliness is that you probably don't. And if you don't feel lovable, how can you, yourself, love someone else? Not to mention love yourself??)

I wish I could convey just how unlovable I actually felt, and I didn't even really know it consciously all the time. Hindsight is definitely 20/20.

So, therein began a lot of life mistakes on my own part. I went through my 20's being hurt and hurting others. There was so much that happened, it would take all day to tell you, so suffice to say, it was just a long journey of unhappy relationships that God didn't really want me to be in.... Until the culmination of a 3-year relationship with someone who cheated on me (for 2.5 of those years!!)...and, that... woke me up. Literally. Woke.Me.Up.

And, I realized that I deserve to be loved. (this was a huge realization for me.) I mean really loved. Not someone's second best. Not someone's emotional whipping girl... not someone's play thing.

I didn't and don't know how to make that happen, but God did. Not only do I deserve to be loved, but I am lovable. I don't have to be miserable. I don't have to just date anyone that walks through the door, just because they are there. I don't have to disrespect my own life and feelings (to put someone else in a place in my life where they don't have the right to be if that's not what God wants).

I can be with someone who is good and kind and who loves me for me.

I also deserve to love. God wants me to be happy, too. Wow. Really?! It is OK to be happy. To find that special someone or something to fill your life. So, I chose to start my family through adoption. I wanted a child or children. I realized that I was called to have a family of my own. That I have a right to be a Mom, just like anyone else. (singleness, past mistakes, and all.) I was just called to do it a little differently. And, that is OK.

I don't have all the answers, but I do know that if my life had worked out the way "it should have" in my 20's I wouldn't have the life and love I do have today. And I wouldn't trade my life today. I can't imagine not being Lil M's Mommy.

That being said, I have struggled with feelings of inadequacy and fears of being a Mom, too. Thankfully, these have lessened over time (through prayer, and amazing friends and familial support!)

When I first became a Mommy I went through my own emotional (post-adoption) changes. Wow. I didn't know that could happen. (which, for me, seemed to stem back to the being unlovable part.) I have found people don't talk about that stuff very much. The fears of going back to work. Screwing up your child somehow. Attachment. Learning. Losing your old life and self. Losing yourself period. Losing your mind. LOL Ever feeling "normal" again. All this has taken time to work through, for me anyway, emotionally... but I do feel like I'm OK now and that Lil M and I are OK. whew. ;) That was also huge for me.

So, please don't write to me thinking that I'm not OK now. Because I'm better than I've ever been. :)

What I have learned is that while my life "did" change, and I did gain a new sense of myself, who I am, what I want, and that I do matter. I really think that God wanted me to learn that. That I'm allowed to have my own life and family. And to be happy.

We are called to be in relationship. For me, I believe we are called to be in relationship with our own selves, our friends and family, and most importantly, our God (and for some, marriage). Some of us go through life wondering how that is possible. We feel unworthy. But God doesn't want us to feel that way.

God wants us to know HE LOVED US FIRST and will always love us, no matter what. That is so comforting to me, because even when my own parents let me down, I can lean on the one parent that matters most - God. And, no matter if some people find that cheesy or out there (or mean, but I'm not trying to be)... I believe it with all my heart. People are fallible. It is fact. We are important, though. And our lives are important. No matter where we are in that life or what we are going through.

I want to post a link that Kristin posted, because Lauren's story is SO amazing. Her own realization of God and her life is just beyond beautiful to me. And even though our stories are vastly different, her sentiment is the same.

I believe that Your (My) story matters. It is important for us to share with each other the joys and struggles we go through so we don't feel so alone. It's too hard to go it alone. I mean, to feel totally alone... married or single.

I'm not alone. You aren't alone either. Really. God is here. I'm here. Your friends are here. Your family is here. Find someone you can talk to and connect with. It's THAT important. :)

Blessings and Peace.

Build up, not Tear Down

A long, long time ago..... OK, at the end of 2004, I decided to move forward with adoption. Many of you have followed the story here for some time... (here's the synopsis, in case you haven't) I applied for a singles slot in December 2004 and was accepted the first week of January of 2005. My dossier was complete by September of 2005 and sent to China, where I was logged in on Halloween, Oct 31, 2005. I received my referral of my daughter the first week of May 2007. Flew to get her June 2007, and the adoption was final June 19, 2007. We were home on June 28. Our first holiday was the 4th of July, Independence Day. :)

I guess I'm feeling a little sentimental tonight, for some reason. Maybe it is because my own Mom wrote to me the other day and told me she was proud of me. (i about died of shock)... and that she could tell I was a good Mom. It was one of the nicest things anyone's ever said. And was huge, since it came from my own Mom. (don't get me wrong, people have told me i'm a good mom, but to hear it from your own mother, is just amazing!) She was proud I put myself through school, bought my own house, went to China.

So, it got me thinking... plus I was watching those wife swap shows tonight... about family and about us Moms. Some get a bum rap. Some get put on a pedestal. Some get treated like dirt. Some treat their kids like dirt. ALL of which, makes me terribly sad.

What has this world come to that we are all SO MEAN to each other all the time???? Why should the compliments and proud moments be shocking? Why are the failing/mean/hateful moments always so prominent?

There have been so many times I've felt like a failure, and I know others have and do, too. But why?! Why don't we have the support we need to thrive?

And, more importantly, are we going to repeat history? Are WE going to be the support our children need to THRIVE? Because, I for one, want to be that support. For my daughter, for my sister, for my friends, for my Mom, for my Dad, for my brother...

I want to be able to walk through life knowing I didn't treat people so badly that they only ever felt torn town. I want to build others up. Do you want to build others up?

How do we do that? Well, first, the Word of God helps us build others up. God is our first example of LOVE and kindness. But if you don't want to get too Biblical, then just start looking at your own behavior. It starts with you and me.

Take one week to write down all interactions with people... your co-workers, your friends, your sister, brother, daughter, son, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend. Were you nice? Genuinely nice? Did you poke fun...that wasn't really kind? Did you inadvertently (or on purpose) hurt someone? Did you fix it? Or at least try? Did you use harsh words? Did you yell? Did you cut someone off on the road? Did they yell?

I urge you to take that list of moments and see how you could have handled them differently the next time. The next time someone comes and asks you to do something you don't want to do. Be kind. Really. Be kind. You don't want someone yelling at you, right?

It always comes back to Love the Lord your God with all your heart, strength and mind. And your neighbor as yourself.

So, if you wouldn't want someone to be snippy, snarky, crappy, crabby, rude, hateful, to you... then please remember to approach them with: LOVE THEM AS YOURSELF, as your guide. We can't fix all relationships (or non-relationships) with people, but we can react out of a place of loving them as we would love ourselves. And in that, I believe, we can help others get out of the hate-hate action-reaction that so permeates our culture.

I wrote the other day that we need to "cherish" our children. And we do. This doesn't mean that I believe that there are no consequences for bad behavior or letting them get away with things they ought not do. But it does mean paying attention, spending time with them, teaching them they way they should go... being present... and LOVE THEM AS YOURSELF. :)

LOVE GOD
LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR
LOVE YOURSELF

Peace.

WFMW: Working Mamas

A fellow adoptive Mama (and online friend) is going back to work soon. She is wondering what kind of advice us working moms have for her... Which made me think about my own life and how Lil M and I have adjusted after TWO YEARS of being home together! :D ::big.huge.grin::

First, I can hardly believe it's been two years already! And I mean that. It has gone by with lightning speed!! Of course, when we first got home, I wasn't sure how anything would go, and I certainly couldn't imagine two years down the road! LOL.

So, here's my advice for any new Mom going back to work...

1. Let the guilt go. Really. I'm the queen of feeling guilty over every little thing. Gotta let that go. If you want to work, or need to work, it is OK. Look at the positive, they will learn all kinds of neat things, make friends and know that you are Mommy regardless. You aren't going to do yourself or your son or daughter any good feeling guilty all the time. It will show. So, take a deep breath and shake it off.

2. For any new parent, but especially adoptive parents, take the first entire year (yes, I said year) to focus on your child and your/their attachment. Go home and hold them. Carry them around. Wear them in a sling. Cherish them. This will alleviate any guilt you have, too, because if you are making an effort to really cherish the time you have together you will be able to let yourself do other things. And, it is OK to do other things sometime! Work being one of them.

3. Take at least 15 minutes each day for yourself. I'd say an hour, but let's be realistic. Go grab that cup of coffee. Savor it. Go sit on the porch. Savor it. Go listen to the birds or run or walk or do whatever it is that it important for you to unwind. Prayer is always good. Just sit. Allow yourself that few minutes to unwind.

4. Don't worry about every little thing... cleanliness is next to Godliness for sure, but if something doesn't get done, don't sweat it. The laundry can wait until the weekend. It will not kill you to not vacuum every single day. There will be toys. There will be messes. Who cares? The first year you will be focusing on your child, remember? And what is more important really? They are. :)

5. Ok, so the truth be told, it is hard for most of us not to feel guilty going back to work. That probably doesn't even depend on your child's age. But if you're like me, you might go crazy at home all day by yourself!! But it will get easier. Especially, if you are in a good work environment. So, if you're not... try to find somewhere that you can feel good about yourself, your family and your job. That really is important. I didn't have that when I went back to work, and I'm SO glad I have that now. It just makes my life so much better. And a happy Mama is a good Mama. Remember that. :)

6. Some additional thoughts that help me: I try to make dinners ahead, plan meals, stock up on things that I know I will eventually need so I don't have to run out to get something when I am feeling stressed or tired from working all day. Freeze milk. Have that extra pack of diapers on hand, or have some cloth ones, too. I used both, that way if I was ever low on packaged ones I could use them as backup. I also just liked cloth, but that's me. :) Oh, and when you take them to daycare/school - drop and run! Don't dawdle. Tell them you love them and will be back!! Ksses and hugs and LEAVE. Otherwise, it just makes it too hard for both of you. IMO.

7. You NEED a support system. If you don't have one, be on the lookout for one. :) One of my dearest friends is someone I met after I went back to work. Other moms in similar situations are invaluable!!! So is your family and friends. Do not be afraid to ask for help. (if you're like me, that's very hard, but you need to do it sometimes!!)

8. Trust your instincts. When you become a parent, I think that you second guess yourself a lot more than before... it's new... especially when you go back to work. Should I be at work? Should I be at home? Will they love me less? Is their daycare/school OK? What about their day provider? If you don't trust your daycare provider, that's not good. Find someone you trust. If it doesn't feel right, or something feels off... trust your instincts. This goes for food and sleeping and holding and everything else. We don't get a book on how to do all this... it is OK to trust yourself.

9. Get enough sleep. Now, I know this seems impossible sometimes. But get sleep when you can. It is extremely important to get enough rest. The first year of daycare/school is going to be tough because they bring home lots of germs. We were sick on and off the whole first year!! It sucked. But it would have been even worse if I hadn't taken the time to get some rest.

10. Love your children. That's what it comes down to really. Isn't that always the case? Regardless of how you became a parent...when or why... you're a parent now. So, if you really focus on love, the rest will come. :) Trust me, time flies...

Peace.

Gotch-u, not gotcha! ha!

So... Lil M has taken in the past few months to running up to me and grabbing my legs and happily exclaiming I "GOTCH-U" Mommy!! And I say - You GOT Me??? Yes! she says!! I gotch-u!!

I think it is utterly adorable, of course. hehe.

Reminds me of "gotcha" though, for what people call Gotcha day, or the day you meet your child for the first time. Or maybe it is adoption day. But regardless, I don't use the term. Our Family (adoption) Day is this Friday!!!!

Happy, Happy 2 year anniversary of our adoption day Lil M! Mommy's....gotch-u!!!!! :D Always and forever.

Peace.

Risk vs Control

A point was brought up today about how much of a risk-taker I am... or not. :) You see, there are things I take risks in. Calculated risks, mostly. Being able to take risks and calculated risks helps me in a lot of areas in my life. I took a risk to adopt.

But there is a point when risk taking is really a loss of control. That, I don't do so well with. I don't do drugs. I don't water ski, or snow ski. Or anything, pretty much, that involves potential loss of physical control.

Anyway, it's just an interesting thought. Think about it. Do you take risks? Or are you in control? I'm in control... too much so sometimes, I admit. Alpha Mama Dog here... so, that's what's on my mind today.

I believe we should strive to find balance in our lives. There are things I *must* let go of and give control over to someone else... ie, Mindy's divorce. I cannot control that outcome. But, damned if I don't try (in my heart)!!! lol And, actually, in any other physical way I can help. But in this case, it is more a reality of someone evil having control over her or myself and my family. Uh huh. Nope.

But it does lead to the interesting questions.... risk or control? They're definitely related. And I'm definitely finding my balance. :)

Peace.

Purpose

Do you ever wonder what your purpose is in life? I mean... really think about it? Well, I have been lately. What is my purpose?

In order to know where you are going, you need to remember where you've been.

I've been struggling a little bit lately with how I always seem to feel differently about almost everything that the people around me do (or that's how it seem to me). Especially the definition of family.

But this is what I've figure out, in my heart. My purpose in life is to live my life to the fullest with the abilities God has given me. And God has opened my heart to a different path than most. Why? I have no idea. Do I think it is partly due to decisions I made (or didn't make) earlier on in my life? Is it because of me and not God? Well, some might argue that it is... but I disagree.

In my early 20's I struggled in relationships. I was afraid. Afraid to love. Afraid to get hurt. I made a TON of mistakes. I had no idea what I wanted my life to be or how I wanted it to look. I was a very, very young Christian and my purpose was not clear to me. All I knew at that time is that I needed to complete my education. That I needed to finish that goal. That took a long time and a lot of work, but I did it and it was good.

But when it came to getting married or having kids at that time, it wasn't working for some reason. Maybe it was self-fulfilling, but since I didn't feel worthy of a real relationship or because I was afraid one would actually work, I somehow lost, sabotaged or just blatantly broke relationships up. I was sinking... flailing around in the sea... lost.

I kept my head down, and moved on... kept working, kept going to school. Eventually, I got a house and felt secure in my career. Even still, I didn't feel like I would ever get married. But I wanted a child or children. I wasn't sinking or flailing anymore... instead, I was treading water. I could even hold my head up above the water now.

Then I decided to adopt.

I truly believe that I was lead to adopt. Why? I don't know, really. Part of me really accepts now that it was because of my past and how guilty I felt for all the awful stuff I did. The person I was. That sort of sounds ridiculous. Penance in adoption? It wasn't overtly conscious, but I do believe that I needed to try to start to "make right" (if only in MY OWN HEART) the wrongs I had done to so many people... including myself... way back when. To give to someone else blindly, faithfully.

Why is this important now? Well, I've been considering number 2, and wondering how I might make that happen. Adoption through a different country again? Adoption and/or Foster care here? Have a baby by birth? I decided I want to adopt again. It's what I feel lead to do, for now. So, I took a step and started going through an adoption agency to get certified. And through this process it has brought up some of the same emotions I've had all along, possibly with added ones because of the "little family" I already have.

I'm not going to lie and say that I'm not afraid. I am. Lil M and I have a wonderful relationship and I do not want to do anything to jeopardize that. She is more amazing than I could have ever imagined. How could I ever get lucky enough to have a second amazing child? I think that's a question a lot of parents ask themselves, right?

Another big question for me that keeps coming up for me right now is, "is it fair for me to adopt"? For those of you who know me, I read all kinds of adoption stories. They can be sad and scary sometimes. And there are adult adoptees who honestly believe adoption is negative and that they were abusted/stole/abducted from their birth families or countries and LOST their life. And that the new life they were given wasn't good enough or would ever be good enough to replace the first part of their life. That saddens me so much. To think that Lil M might hate adoption when she grows up is just hard for me to think about. People say it won't happen, but I try to be realistic. It could.

And then... I remember God. I believe that I'm in a place right now where God wants me to forgive myself for my mistakes. I've told myself for years that I'm forgiven and free. God loves me. And that is true. But, I think that personal forgiveness is the absolute hardest thing for me. Giving myself permission to be real, human and make mistakes. I'm not perfect. No one is perfect.

And with that, I remember that God wanted me to adopt. Whatever the reason why... it is what I absolutely, completely believed was my purpose. And I still do. I can be afraid, or I can accept it and keep moving forward. I don't have all the answers. Shoot, I don't have all the questions!! (although, I can come up with a lot!)

So, what does this all mean? Well, we live in a fallen world. We do. It is reality. In (what people tell me would be) a perfect world, there would be no need for adoption. Ever. Right? And, if that world was perfect, if adoption was necessary, then it would be done perfectly and ethically in each and every single situation. That everyone would feel validated, free and forgived. There would be no hurt. Children would be with their "biological" families. They would live near the place of their birth, if they chose to. But this is not always possible, is it? And even when it is, life is not perfect. It is what you make it to be. Wallow, flail, sink... or swim, walk, dance, Love!

My purpose is to follow God. To follow God's desires for my life. To teach me how to be a better woman, a better person. And one of those ways, I believe is to take care of the people I'm supposed to take care of. For me, adoption is real. It is a real, viable, amazing, awesome, loving way to create a family. And, if that is what God wants me to continue, then so be it. I will follow. I will be a light to my family and my community, and I will be an advocate for our children.

People can tell you adoption sucks. Adoption is bad. It destroys families. It ruins lives. Adoption doesn't ruin life. Don't kill the messenger. PEOPLE ruin life. Cheating, lying, stealing, divorce, adultery... the list goes on and on. Can the process suck? Can it do more harm than good in some cases? Is there loss? Yes and yes and yes.

What I've come to believe is that it is a choice. Is the glass half empty or half full? I'm a half full kind of gal. I choose life. I can't change the bad stuff. I can only try to be part of the solution, not the problem.

So, in my opinion, all that other stuff is secondary to the main point of life - LOVE. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and soul and mind... and your neighbor as yourself.

I have a purpose.

Peace.

Normal... well, or not

I'm crabby today. I have been since last night. Actually, I just want to know why I can't be "normal" like everyone else. I mean, why on earth did I have to have this desire to adopt. Or do I still? 'Cause I do. I love my family. I love Lil M.

I just want to know why is it that for things like Mother's Day, us adoptive families have to get no recognition as being "Moms" and real families? There's a Huggies commercial out right now that pisses me off. They say that you can get diapers for a year (if you win the prize) if you... get pregnant, let people touch your stomach while pregnant, and pop out a baby... THAT is what makes you a MOM. Um. No, it doesn't.

Don't get me wrong, procreating is necessary and I'm glad that my daughter's first Mom did have her. I am so thankful for that. But did these idiots think that there might be MOMs out there that didn't pop out the baby????? O M G.

We get a bum rap, us adoptive moms. We are made to feel less like parents by MOST OF SOCIETY... including, some of the adoptive children even. I am very thankful, again, that my daughter's first family took the risk they did. Please do not think I'm trying to minimize birth mother's feelings, or traditional two-parent pregnant families... or even single moms who have a baby physically instead of adopting...

My friends and family are amazing and they do try to remind me that I am, in fact, normal... and that Lil M and I are great... 'cause we really are. But some people are insensitive...and have no idea why on earth I'd be upset over a commercial like the one i mentioned here.

Maybe it is because I have always felt somehow inferior. I don't know why. I do know it's what society bombards me with. I'm second best. Why couldn't I just be "normal" and get pregnant... get married... have a baby of my own.

I hate, hate, hate that question. Are you going to have a baby of your own now? WHAT?????????????? Mia IS A BABY OF MY OWN. I didn't feel like I had to have a baby in my womb to be her Mom. I don't know why I didn't and still don't feel that way!!!!!!!! WHY CAN'T I BE NORMAL?

Well, once I calm down after my rant... I do know that this is, indeed, VERY NORMAL for me. I don't know why. All I can think is that God has a different plan for my life for some reason. And I must follow that and that alone.

If you wouldn't mind lifting up a prayer for me this weekend, and for all the other *non-traditional* Mom's out there... I'd really be grateful. We love our children just as much as anyone else, and I guess I just needed to say that.

I'm lifting up prayers for ALL moms this weekend, birth moms, bio moms, adoptive moms, moms who've lost children for whatever reason... ALL MOMS. God bless you all.

Peace.

Mountains and Molehills

I've been thinking of one of my "sins" lately... fear. And I've come to some realizations that I thought I'd write about.

I am the type of person who doesn't fear the "big" stuff as much as the "little" stuff. For example, when I started out on the adoption journey, I didn't question that the journey was right or what I needed to do (prayer and my relationship with God gave me the confidence). I went to another country, sight unseen, and picked up my daughter who I knew VERY little about and brought her home with me. In the big picture, I knew this was the right thing for me.

The little picture, however, completely consumed me. I worried and feared everything. Not that she would be healthy, that was out of my control. But would she love me? Would she attach to me as Mommy? Would she have issues that I couldn't deal with? Would she sleep? Eat? Be too clingy, or completely deny me? Could I be a "Mom"? Could I keep up with everything? What about work? What would I do when they started treating me as a Mom and not a Professional (which did happen)?? How would I know when she was hungry? Tired? Angry? Teething?

Looking back... I just did what I had to do to get through the fears I had - I took it one day, one step at a time.

The same thing goes for me for lots of things.

Heights is one example, I'm more afraid to get on a Horse 4 ft off the ground than to stand on the side of a cliff. Why? Because I know that if I fall off the horse I will likely break something and really hurt. If I fall off a cliff... well. It's over. That's huge.

Let's see, what else. I came up with several examples the other day and now I can't think of any others! ha.

I guess my point is that I haven't always been afraid of a big leap, but when it comes to the small stuff, that's where it gets me sometimes. This seems contradictory when I look at other people and how they live. So, in this new foster/adoption journey, I feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be. I'm praying about not being bogged down by the overwhelming LITTLE fears. Or the big ones. :)

Sorry for the rambling. I am not sure this made total sense, but I felt like I needed to put it out there. :)

Peace.

First Haircut

Last night, Lil M had her First REAL haircut ever... She was cracking me up! I had a hair appointment scheduled, as usual, and she said she wanted her hair cut, too. "I want haircut"... So, Douglas said OK!! She did so, so good, too!

Can you say love? I mean, look at these two!! lolHappy, happy girl!!
Serious play!
Look at THAT FACE!!!!

Peace.

WFMW - Potty Training

I've read posts and suggestions for how to handle over-night potty issues while potty training little ones. One person suggested layering the bed with a plastic sheet, then a cloth sheet, then plastic then cloth... then you could take one layer off at a time (even overnight) if you needed to. If it comes to that, I'll try that!!

But for me, what works for now is to put those plastic covered portable diaper pads under her sheet. (you know those that you got to lay your baby on when you go out)... I lay 2 of those in the spot where Lil M sleeps, under the sheet. If she moved around more, I'd put more under the sheet. Thankfully, she doesn't. :) Since I have a few of those pads, and they seem to work just as well as if i had bought some type of plastic sheet for the bed, that's what we use! :) And they're a bit cushy too...

Then, in the morning, I take the sheet off and wipe the plastic diaper pads off with Lysol and remake the bed.

We are not currently using pull-ups or diapers at night. I did put plastic pants on her last night... that helps a bit, too. :)

So, that's what works for me!! :) Go check out the other ideas at We are THAT Family!

Peace.

Happy Easter (video)

Happy Easter! We had a little Easter Egg hunt at Grandma and Grandpa's house... (i apologize for the obnoxious narrating, ugh)



We had a great day!! We started by seeing what the easter bunny brought Lil M and my nephew. That was fun. Then we went to church with Aiyee Mimi, Scott and the grandparents... then Easter dinner. Yum. :) Oh, and the Easter egg hunt.

Sis and Chase coloring Easter eggs last night.


Easter baskets, obviously. :)

Here we are in our church dress.


Hope you had a blessed day.

Peace.

Homestudy, again

So, I've made a decision. I am going to get paper-ready again. I am going through the local SAFY program to get certified to become a foster/adoptive parent here in my state. Which means, I'll get a current homestudy to be able to adopt, if the opportunity presents itself. It gives me options. Later this year, I am going to look into Nepal, Russia and Kaz. But for now, I'm going to see where this leads. :)

The guy who was leading the class last night said that I can choose to make my file foster adopt only, and pick the age(s) I'm interested in. This means I might have to wait longer, but that's perfectly OK with me. So, I've got some praying to do! :) And lots of paperwork to complete! But I've been there, done that, so I think it'll be OK.

Anyone who's gone through their state process... if you could write and let me know how it went, that would be great!!!!!

Peace.

Foster adopt

I'm looking into foster-care / adoption programs here in my area. I'm going to a SAFY meeting tonight. It is an organization that helps special needs children. I'm not sure what all is involved, so I'm going to check it out. I've also got a call into the local foster/adopt Childrens' center.

That's about all that's on my mind today. :)

Peace.

Obligations

I believe there we have certain obligations in life. To God and ourselves, to our families and to others. I believe that with my whole heart. Have you ever thought about your obligations? Who are you obliged to honor? Anyone? No one?

For me, I honor God. I try, anyway. We live in a fallen world. I am not perfect. But. I try. Thank God that the Holy Spirit is in me, or else I'd truly fail. I honor God in the little things and in the big. I gave Him my heart and he gave me my child. I gave him my heart and He gave me my life. I gave him my heart and He gave me direction and purpose.

Do I know what the future holds? No. Do I know that God will be with me every step of the way, yes, I do. God loves me, and I believe that. So, I am obliged to honor Him as best I can.

Being able to work helping our Veterans in their times of need, is an honor for me. I feel like I am contributing to the betterment of our society. And I wouldn't wish it any other way. I am obligated. Obligated to help our brothers and sisters find the help they need, via whatever role I've been given.

I am obligated to my family. I am obligated to help overcome despair of brokenness. I am obligated to help move my family into the next season of the healing. Whatever that means, I will open my heart and listen, and follow.

I am obligated to myself and to my daughter. I prayed for a daughter, and she came. For that, I am forever grateful. Let it be said again and again, that she is amazing and I love her with my whole heart. I am obligated to teach her in the way she should go. To love her, believe in her, and be her Mommy forever. I believe it was divinely inspired that we met and I believe that if I am led to parent a 2nd wonderful child, that I will be led to that as well. God knows what is in our hearts and what we can handle, too.

I was watching The West Wing (season 2) this weekend, and it is truly amazing. The feelings, the obligations, the doing things for the greater good. Faith without Works... so, there are works. I'm anxious to see this next season because it hits my heart in that spot where you feel like... wow, are there anyone out there anymore that feels that way (standing up for something right, righteous? And would they even do anything to get it done if they did??

La Familia es bueno. My family is good. The dogs are good, Lil M is good. I'm good. Going to have to figure out Easter Dinner in a week or so, but that'll be fun.

Ramblings over...

Peace.