Thursday, October 11, 2007


So, things are a snad better at work today. I at least met with the boss and told him my side of things and my feelings about what's been going on. Who knows if it will help. But I tried.

As for personally... well, Sis got terrible news today. That stupid counselor thinks Jake should have custody. WTF? He's an alcoholic. Well known fact.... 2 DUI's in one year isn't enough proof?!!! She's an idiot. And Sis is VERY upset about it. I hope she doesn't give up. She needs to fight this.

Little M is feeling a bit better. I've got to go get her some more cold weather stuff... boy, did it get cold over the past couple of days!!


PS. I didn't mean that I should have done something differently than what I've done by creating my own little family. I love my family. But with it comes pressure. It's not so much about finding a Mr. It's more about the fears of not being able to do this alone. Fears that someday she won't want me as her Mom. Fears that I'll fail as a Mom. Fears that stem from my own childhood and my own Mother's disowning of us. I've started to really take this little person into my heart.... and not only do I want to provide for her and protect her... but I also want to make sure I don't screw something up where she hates me later. So, there. I said it.


  1. Melissa-

    How could you think Little M someday might not want you as her mom? Have you gone nuts! Your are a GREAT and LOVING parent! That little girl has a wonderful future ahead of her thanks to you:) That's something she would have never had if she had stayed in China. I've said this before and I'll say it again, people who adopt do nothing short of SAVING a life! That may sound melodramatic, but it's how I genuinely feel. Don't let your childhood experiences fool you into thinking that Little M will suffer the same fate. Besides, didn't your dad stay? (it's ironic because typically it's the man that abandons).

    BTW, I respect you for your strength and your independence and your ability to wage war on so many fronts.

    I don't know him personally, so it wouldn’t be appropriate for me to hurl personal insults at him, but your BIL doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who has it all together (the DUI’s make my skin crawl). I hope the sis does fight this. As for the counselor, was she by any chance a member of the O.J. jury?

    Stay strong. We are all pulling for you!!


  2. Your fears are normal, and awareness is the key to being who you want to be as a person, a mom, etc. I think my therapist said it best, "We're members of the dinosaur club, you and I", meaning that the abuses we suffered in our own child (whether emotional, mental or physical) went exctinct when we were created, because we are making a concsious choice NOT to carry that with us. Trust me, I have your same fears, but I know my heart, and you know yours. And it's normal, by the way, no matter HOW AWESOME your mom is (my mom was awesome, my dad was the problem), to hate her between the ages of roughly 14-18.

    I'm glad you talked to your boss and I hope it helps. I'm sorry about your sister. DO not let her give up...

  3. Any woman that decides to be a single parent knows the challenges that she is going to have, but it doesn't make it any less scary. I have the same fears for my own daughter. I pray every day that I am "enough" for my daughter even when friends and family remind me that the alternative might have been a life in an orphanage. Will she look at the other kids in her FCC group and wish that she had a daddy like they do? I guess I have a few years to worry about that before it becomes a real issue.

    Melissa, you are strong for doing this on your own. And you know what? This is the legacy that you will pass on to your daughter. You will teach her to be a strong, independent woman capable of her own thoughts. How incredible is that?

    About the job, I under stand your frustrations. My biggest fear was to be unemployed and then I was unemployed for 2 months. It is scary when you know that a life is depending on you, but I will say a prayer that God give you guidance and strength. Hopefully something great will come along soon.